On our church website we have an “Ask the Pastor” feature (https://cbccne.org/ask-the-pastor/) where any member of our congregation or any visitor to the website can submit a question to me for a response. It is a way for our flock to interact with me and continue our mutual, spiritual growth through dealing with real life questions that we face.
This past week, I received this question:
“I have just experienced a loss of a dear family member and I am struggling with deep sadness. It hits me several times during the day. I know that they are in Heaven with Jesus, but I will no longer see their face or hear their voice. My friends have told me that I should just ‘get over it’ so I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. How long should I expect to have these feelings of deep sadness?”
Let me first write that I am sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved family member is never easy. I went through a similar experience a number of years ago with the death of my Mum and I can share some of my personal experiences in this response.
Let me also write, in a disclaimer of sorts, that I am not a licensed, clinical psychiatrist. My seminary education, however, did include many counseling classes which covered both biblically based and non-biblically based methods. My response to this question, therefore, is based on my years of pastoral experience and biblical studies.
Many of you have heard that there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then eventual Acceptance. Psychologists share that an individual dealing with a deep, personal loss will move between these stages of grief over time at their own pace (for an overview, see https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief).
While it may be that someone will move progressively, stage by stage, from Denial all the way through Acceptance, it is common for someone to retreat to an earlier stage in the grieving process. Birthdays and anniversaries may cause us to remember the departed family member and can bring back those feelings of loss with full force. It is very difficult then, to answer the question of ‘How long’ because every individual is different and processes their personal thoughts and feelings differently.
It is also very common to have friends or other acquaintances tell us to ‘get over it’ or ‘snap out of it’ when they see us having difficulty in these situations. Helping someone move through the grieving process is a skill to be developed and very few individuals are equipped and experienced to lead. If telling someone to just ‘get over it’ and reminding them that they will see the individual again in Heaven is the sole assistance a friend is providing, it says a lot about the friend’s comfortability with the discussion. These discussions are not easy and should be led by “professionals” who learn to be comfortable in simply listening to one who is grieving and who can patiently direct and walk with the grieving individual through the recovery process (my use of the term “professional” here would include pastors and others serving within a church provided that they have had the appropriate training and experience to counsel).
The Apostle Paul wrote “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) as a general statement that believers should walk together in life and support each other through life’s joyous moments as well as the difficult ones. The Greek word for “weep” in the passage is a deep mourning or lament.
I am reminded of John 11 where the Apostle shares the story of the death of Lazarus where some of the Jews who were “professional” mourners visited Mary and Martha’s home to console them. Professional mourners have existed in many cultures for centuries and can still be found in Egypt, India, England, and even in the U.S.A. (see https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-grief/201802/professional-mourners-ancient-tradition, for example). These professional mourning Jews are written to have provided comfort where the Greek paramutheomai is used meaning to ‘come alongside with soothing words.”
In the Bible, we see many forms of mourning the loss of a loved one including weeping, loud lamentation, the rending of one’s clothes, putting on a sackcloth or other black garments, sitting in ashes, shaving the head, engaging in fasting or the abstinence of a particular food.
Abraham wept for Sarah (Genesis 23:2), Israel mourned for Aaron for 30 days (Numbers 20:29) and mourned for Moses (Deuteronomy 34:8). Jacob mourned the supposed loss of Joseph, as the Bible records, “Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days and all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus, his father wept for him” (Genesis 37:34-35). So distraught was Jacob that he refused to be comforted. This was a deep sadness.
Job, upon learning that his sons and daughters and a good majority of his wealth was lost, “tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped” (Job 1:20). When boils were added to Job’s misery, his three friends came to him and “each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great” (Job 2:12-13).
Refusing to be comforted and experiencing deep sadness are a part of the grieving process and we have many biblical accounts to help us shape our understanding of lament. We all will have a time of sadness with weeping in our life (Ecclesiastes 3:4). We have an entire book in the Bible called Lamentations! We should expect that these moments will occur.
Author Michael Card wrote A Sacred Sorrow noting that we seem to have lost the ability to reach out to God in our lament (https://www.christianbook.com/sacred-sorrow-reaching-lost-language-lament/michael-card/9781576836675/pd/36675). Believers are aware that our God is there for us in these times, and we should reach out to Him in times of difficulty. The Bible records that: God is near in times of sorrow (Psalm 34:18); God is the Comforter in times of affliction (2 Corinthians 1:3-4); and that Jesus has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). He left us with His peace so that our hearts should not be troubled (John 14:27). Paul wrote simply, “the Lord is near” (Philippians 4:5).
So, we know we will all go through it in our life, and we have examples from the Bible where mourning takes various forms and sometimes a long time before recovery takes place. We know that God is there for us.
How does this help us answer our question?
We should be comforted in knowing that 1) it is normal to grieve and 2) sometimes that will take a long time before we feel somewhat “normal” again so that we should not feel guilty for our short-term grief.
However, there are also some warning signs that we should be on the lookout for in the grieving process.
Grief Avoidance
When my Mum passed away, I had a friend tell me that I should “keep a stiff upper lip.” My Mum was a great example to me in many ways, and she would have appreciated that advice because she would tell me, “No one should ever see you upset!” Regardless of how you feel about that advice, I will admit that I did not always follow it. I knew that she went to glory and that the Lord’s arms were awaiting her but that did not mean I didn’t experience and grieve the personal loss. I experienced deep sadness when my Mum passed away and my lip quivered a good bit for a while. It is a grieving process for everyone.
Many individuals try to avoid the grieving process altogether. Signs that you are avoiding the grieving process include an extreme reliance on drugs or other substances, continued isolation or withdrawal, staying extremely busy with new activities trying to fill up your time, lack of emotion or energy, and sleeplessness.
We need to grieve our personal loss.
The Psalms are a wonderful place to find examples of the grieving process.
The Psalmist writes:
“My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud; My voice rises to God, and He will hear me. In the day of my trouble, I sought the Lord; In the night my hand was stretched out without weariness; My soul refused to be comforted. When I remember God, then I am disturbed; When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint.
You have held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I have considered the days of old, The years of long ago. I will remember my song in the night; I will meditate with my heart, and my spirit ponders: Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion?” (Psalm 77:1-9).
You can feel his anguish; his refusing to be comforted, not being able to sleep, and being so troubled that he cannot speak.
How about Psalm 13:1-3:
“How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death.”
You can feel his extreme sadness and feeling that he was abandoned by God. We need to cry out to God and let ourselves feel the pain in order to move forward. Some individuals may choose quiet tears while others may choose angry shouting into a closet but we all need to understand and embrace the grieving process to move past our loss and eventually return to normal life.
Retreating from the World
Withdrawing from normal activities for a short period of time is common after experiencing the loss of a loved one. Just as a turtle retreats into its shell for protection, we often do the same for our emotional protection when we are experiencing painful emotional moments. A turtle does not spend an elongated amount of time in its shell, though, and nor should we.
A few diagnostic questions may help us to understand if we are in retreat mode:
Do you feel numb or disconnected from other people or activities you enjoyed prior to your loss?
Do you have difficulty maintaining a routine or engaging in social activities?
Do you avoid anything that reminds you of the person you lost?
Do you feel that life is now meaningless or that you have no longer have a purpose?
A believer must realize that Christ’s mission is still moving forward, and we are called to have a role in it. When Jesus was telling the remaining eleven disciples that He was leaving, He saw that they were sad but told them not to be troubled (John 14:1). He had prepared them to carry on His mission for years. His departure was not a reason for a long-term retreat but a momentary coiling before the Holy Spirit’s arrival in their lives would power them into fully accepting Christ’s mission (Acts 2).
Jesus called all of us into His mission (Matthew 28:18-20) noting that we have work to do for Him and that He would be with us, even until the end of the age. We need to remember that we should always have His purpose in mind as we recover from our loss. Many spouses who have lost their soulmate get more deeply involved in ministry efforts after their loss and mention that this involvement aided in their recovery.
Jesus prayed for the disciples, saying “I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world” (John 17:15-18).
Excessive Guilt
Survivor’s guilt is common, especially when a death occurs by accident. It is often associated with post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) in veterans of military wars, but it is also found in parent’s who have lost a child, family members who have lost a loved one to a hereditary disease, or those who have lost a loved one to suicide.
Those suffering from excessive guilt usually have difficulty sleeping or getting motivated. They are often irritable and angry for no apparent reason. In severe cases, they consider suicide as a worthy option to relieve them of their guilt.
A young father called a few years ago in absolute distress. As I heard the story continue, I immediately placed myself in his shoes. The couple’s two-year old young son escaped a protection gate, left the inside of their home, and fell into their swimming pool, drowning to death as his mother was on the phone with a friend. The couple was grief stricken and inconsolable for weeks on end.
How does one recover from the loss of a son in such a senseless accident?
As the months moved forward, after the memorial service and the close caring of friends and family, they found themselves rationalizing that it “should have been them” who died instead of their son. Why did the mother not see the child break through the gate? Would she have heard the splash in the pool if she wasn’t on the phone with her friend? The couple began to turn on each other. Guilt wracked their marriage and almost wrecked their marriage.
A believer must realize that God is omniscient and omnipotent; He knows it all and is all-powerful. Everything that happens; He allows to happen. God is also sovereign; He controls it all and has all authority to exercise His will. Jesus was given this authority in Heaven and on Earth (Matthew 28:18). The Bible records “Our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases” (Psalm 115:3); “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21); and “Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; And let them say among the nations, ‘The LORD reigns’” (1 Chronicles 16:31).
If we continue to live, it is God’s will that we do and we must trust in His plan for our lives. Jesus came to us so that we could have an abundant life (John 10:10) not a life where we are overwrought with guilt because we survived while our loved one did not. God wrote that we should “trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). We may never come to the earthly knowledge of why these events occurred in our lives so we must trust in Him for that future explanation.
Understanding God’s Will in Personal Loss
Understanding God’s prescriptive will for your life is always a significant challenge. We rest on verses such as Romans 12:1-2 to try and navigate the path of understanding. Finding God’s will in personal loss is no different. “Why did He allow this to happen?” is a question pastors often hear from their congregations.
Job’s life, his interaction with his “friends,” and his eventual conversation with God can be very enlightening to how we should view personal loss. Job experienced deep, personal loss with all his sons and daughters being killed (Job 1:18-19). Job’s reaction was extreme mourning as I noted above (Job 1:20). However, what we learn from a full reading of chapter 1 is that Job’s loss had nothing to do with Job’s character, past mistakes, or current sin. God put Job on display as an example of faithfulness for Satan saying “Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil” (Job 1:8). Job’s character was blameless. He was a man of integrity and morally innocent. God knew that regardless of what Satan did to Job, short of causing his death, Job would remain faithful to God.
How did God know that? Because God would not let Job’s faith fail him. As the writer of Hebrews wrote, He is “the author and finisher of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2, KJV). He created our faith; He develops our faith through circumstances; He ensures our faith; and He will finish or perfect our faith! Our faith is a gift from God (2 Peter 1:1).
God’s prescriptive will in Job’s case was for him to lose everything (except for his wife and his life) and yet stay faithful to God. After the period of trial, God’s prescriptive will was for Job to regain his fortune twofold, have 10 more children, and die after living a full life (Job 42:10-17). More importantly, Job is memorialized in the book of James as an example of patience while suffering (James 5:11) and we sometimes describe someone as having “the patience of Job”.
I’ve often said that God puts His chosen on display for the world to see. He brings wonderful circumstances into our lives and, sometimes, not so wonderful circumstances. Regardless of which type of circumstance we are living through today; we provide a personal testimony by how we react to both fortune and misfortune. Jesus said, “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). One of our works is how we reveal our faith in difficult circumstances.
Paul wrote:
“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:1-5).
As we work through the grieving process with a biblical perspective, we can trust that God is building our character such that it will be proven character, proven to us as well as proven to those who look to us as an example. We should embrace the example we are setting for our friends, family, and the unbelieving world through how we respond to adversity. That means willingly showing that we are grieving the loss but also how we trust in the hope of God for future reunion with our departed loved ones.
If we question God’s purposes or find ourselves angry with God for a time, that does not mean we do not have faith; it means we are human. There are numerous episodes in the Bible where an individual was angry with God. Job questioned God’s motives (Job 7:20).
Job received poor counsel from his wife and friends trying to provide “natural” answers to his suffering. We must realize that in some of life’s circumstances there are no natural answers, only supernatural ones. God alone knows His purpose in our suffering. God eventually answered Job, in essence saying, “Who are you to question Me?” (Job 38-39).
In the example of the young couple who lost their son to drowning or the young newborn who is born with an incurable cancer and dies in her mother’s arms at 6 weeks of age or the incomprehensible capture, torture, and murder of a four-year-old girl by a sexual predator, there are no natural answers.
What can a pastor say in these situations? We seek our own answers and rest on our firm belief that God is faithful and has our best long-term interests in mind. As Paul wrote:
“We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?” (Romans 8:28-31).
God’s plan for believers is clear: being conformed to the image of His Son, being called according to His purpose.
May we continue to trust in God’s purpose for our lives and resolve that He has our long-term good in mind even through our short-term distress or sadness.
May we continue to encourage each other through the difficult circumstances in life.
May we continue to pray for those who have experienced personal loss, engage, and personally seek them out rather than stay at a distance.
We walk this life together. Let’s continue to make it a worthy walk.
If you would like to subscribe to our weekly blog, please send an email to office@cbccne.org with your name and email address or complete the form on our Home page of this website.